La Uva

I stumbled upon dictionary.com searching for lambent (my favorite way to define words I'm puzzling ~ copy, paste, google).

Several businesses are named Lambent, and a lambent.com exists. A definition of Lambent was buried low in the page, but contained linked quotations using the word in a sentence. A reminder of grade school, but how divine to have examples of written use. The etymology is given as:Lambent is from the present participle of Latin lambere, "to lick"

I love language.

When I've the presence to be in the moment and simply experience my daughter, I am delighted by how she processes her world. She loves to wash her hands, and cannot resist pulling the plug and saying "bye" to the water as it drains. Very special moments.

the "Yes" song

Yesterday, Alexa and I baked bread with her great grandmother. It was a wonderful time, and after Alexa napped for a long time.

When she woke, Alexa nursed, and I decided to sing her the "yes" song. Yes, Alexa is nursing. Yes, Alexa is lying next to mommy. Yes, Alexa is nursing. Yes, Alexa is wearing a striped shirt... and, so on.

I've tried to avoid using "No" with Alexa, and as often as possible have used the word "stop" (as in, "Please stop the action you are doing"). Unfortunately, as an almost-two, no has been used, and Alexa has been exercising her own "no" more often. My inspiration for the song, was to make "yes" as heard as "no", and to positively associate "yes" with actions Alexa loves.

Dressing today, there was still the imperious "no." Would you like to wear the flowered shirt or the pink shirt? "No. No." We'll see how it goes ;)

pruning 101

I posted a request for advice on pruning fruit trees on a local board. I have received amazing advice, and am humbled by the assistance. I have learned why pruning cuts are made at 45 degree angles (to prevent standing water on the cut, and possible rot), to make the cut at the same angle that branch meets the main trunk (this makes sense ~ in a like needs like sense?). If the cut is at the proper angle, it promotes healing of the cut in the ways that trees heal their wounds.

Andy just reminded me that part of what happened with the tree is related to the ice storm which occurred last winter. The ice storm (I always think of the Frost poem "Birches") bowed the tree from a straight position next to the fence, into a angled position towards the center of the yard. He also thought the tree had been part of the original orchards planted in the 1920's. Sigh. More information, but I feel like hiding. I had been cutting some of the right branches, but had been doing so at the wrong angles.

On Monday, a woman with apple pruning experience will be visiting me. She answered my plea for help, and I feel maybe, just maybe, we can begin to mend and heal some of the damage. Another person wrote that apple trees are very forgiving. I can feel the forgiveness, I just hope it survives our ignorance. I would like to do something for the tree to ease its shock. Jennifer will give me nettles for the tea. I am wondering at what else I can do.

Apple tree

Last night, a beautiful woman visited me in my dream. She wore a long, silvery green dress, and when she approached me began sobbing. She lived in the apple tree, and was sobbing in pain. I held her,and realized through carelessness and ignorance, we had mutilated her limbs.

Today I looked at the tree, and am at a loss of what to do to. It is a graft of two trees. One tree trunk is silver in color, the other a gnarled familiar brown. It has been neglected, and has many upright branches reaching towards the sky as if startled. Each of those upward branches needs to removed, but the lateral branches, in our ignorance, have been cut short. I am not sure how to save her.

Jennifer suggested a strong nettle tea as nourishing. That appeals in an etheric sense. I have compost, but am unsure if placing compost on the ground around the base of the tree would be helpful or not. I need more information.

Saturday

Alexa and Andy are on a walk. Andy let me sleep in today, which was wonderful. Alexa woke me at about 3:30 am, and I lay awake after for hours. It is the worst feeling, because I know, *from experience*, when I finally do fall into a deep sleep, Alexa will wake me again. This is what strongly urges me to night wean, and why the thought of another child can scare me.

It feels so wonderful when I am rested. I can think clearly, move efficiently, make plans. Sleep deprivation alters every aspect of my life. Doing the dishes becomes a great accomplishment after a sleep interupted night.

ttc

At Noey's birthday party, Alexa nodded quite strongly when I asked if she wanted Andy and I to have another baby. This could be the time ... ; )

Sunglasses

Alexa and I went to the store. Very close to her nap time, so a little rough around the edges. We had a wonderful time coming home, though. Alexa loves her new perch in the front seat.

Alexa is always saying "eyes, eyes" whenever we turn towards the sun. I bought a package of sunglasses (little kids' party favors) in bright colors. I thought they'd be a fun solution. She took to her new orange pair immediately (I hid the rest). She figured out how to put them on -- upside down, but they stayed on! She looked adorable, and I realized how much she is patterning herself on me. Part of me is worried ~ I am not the best example of many things.

Seeing her wearing her sunglasses and sitting in the frontseat(just like mommy), well, it was a beautiful feeling.

fear of love

Alexa feels things so deeply. This morning I removed her from the open door (a little hastily) and she burst into tears. I spent almost 10 minutes holding her, and talking to her about her "owie". Her hand where I had pulled her back, but I think also her heart. I gave her Reiki on her hand, arm, shoulder, and also gave her Reiki on her emotional hurt.

At the end, we nursed and cuddled on the couch a long time. These times are always hard for me because I am in a hurry, with an agenda, and being Zen feels like all my own plans just hit a wall. My daughter is important, and I do not "regret" the connection. I do feel exhausted and frustrated by the sudden switch.

I also felt fear as we were cuddling. I love this child so much. What if she holds things deep in her heart, so deep, that one day she no longer wants to talk to me. It would hurt so much. It made me want another child, just so my whole heart wouldn't be crushed if that ever happened.

24

I missed 24 this past Monday. I've sporadically watched it over the past few years, and have never been successful at watching more than 6 of the 24 episodes. I watched it last week though, and was really looking forward to Monday's episode. I had heard it was possible to download recent TV shows on the web, but wasn't sure where or how. A google search led me to two sites that wanted a credit card number (interestingly enough both sites had different addresses, but the exact same "page" . . . always a sketch).

Finally, I came across an episode guide which outlined each scene of the hour show. I read the outline, and felt complete. It was short, sweet, yet detailed enough to satisfy my urge to know. It was TV Cliffnotes, and as satisfying as the long exhale upon first lighting a cigarette. A deep sigh.

My smoking days are long over, but the memory is strong.

Global Consciousness Project

Someday after mastering winds, waves, tides and gravity, we shall harness the energies of love, and then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will discover fire.

Teilhard de Chardin

I found this quote in an article posted at the Global Consciousness Project at Princeton. My mind is moving so quickly to encompass all the possibilities of this project. Global awareness of the effect of focused consciousness. Would that be good? Isn't the consciousness of the many already being manipulated by the few. Would awareness of the energy focused by each individual impact how that individual chooses to focus?

there are intriguing signs of an emerging integration of purpose and perspective in the world, though it remains fragile and as delicate as a newborn. For this integration to mature, we need great patience, and what we think of as "good luck." Perhaps by being more conscious of the possibilities, we can lessen the need for patience and increase our portion of luck.


Hmm. Food for thought.

La Uva

Didn't get on the plane. Alexa started throwing up upon waking, and within the first 1/2 hour had thrown up 4 times. She feels crabby, and after a few "can I do this? Maybe if I put a lot of shirts in the diaper bag?" -- crazy mama thoughts : )

Anyway, rescheduled. Not sure if she has flu that Andy insists we had in October, or if it is something she ate. Either way. Sick toddler. Ack.

Car seat wars

Driving anywhere with Alexa lately has been arduous. My keys explored, the clock reset, pretending to drive... all very valid territory to a 23 month old. But no matter how long we spent "easing" into the carseat, it was still a battle once the buckling began. I'd actually contemplated driving a few blocks with Alexa sitting somewhere, anywhere in the car. Just this once, I'd think.

Today, I moved the car seat to the front seat. I don't have air bags, so it is "safe", but not as safe as when she was safely nested in the center of the backseat. The ease with which she slid into her new location was almost worth the switch, though.

She sat in her elevated throne and parade waved with a hearty "Hi" to everyone she saw. Her happiness again in the car was a relief.

Alexa wanted to be carried from the bed, and I refused. Instead I placed her on the floor and held her hand as we walked. She protested loudly all the way to the other room.

She didn't quiet right away, and started crying real tears . I asked her why she felt so sad when mommy didn't carry her from the room. I asked several different thoughts, and then I asked if she felt "unloved" when I didn't carry her, and she said "yes" and started crying more.

This is where I end up in an NVC tangle. My needs, her needs. I know it is more than that. The idea is not whose needs are met, but expressing needs and feelings. The goal is depth of connection. I have information that helps me connect deeper with Alexa, but I am not sure what to do next.

My instinct is to hug her, and let her know that mommy loves her very much. My need is not have to carry Alexa. My need is for autonomy. My need is for a little independence as I wake up and get out of bed.

There was another part of me: tears are manipulation, I am being manipulated. But after writing just a few paragraphs that no longer feels true in this moment.

Mothering is so hard. There is a part of me that craves intimacy of connection with my child. To be there with her, and there is another part of me that wants to run and hide. Have space. Plug her need into something else for just a little while as I breathe and think. I miss thinking.

Someone else's mother

The macy*s shoe department used to send my pulse racing. The smell of leather, the smooth line of a well-shod leg . . . I would collect shoes like art. Details were everything.

Tonight, I walked through the macy*s shoe department, and was left cold. Nothing excited me. The few glimpses of something interesting were quickly cooled when I eyed the price. What happened to me!?

I did not feel the joy of shopping until I reached Sears. Sears!!! I bought a pair of Land's End all-weather mocs in dark brown, and a pair of leather soled sandals for my trip next week. I no longer recognize myself -- I've become someone else's mother.

Cherry tomatoes

Today I seeded Alexa's tomatoes. I sliced them and gave them to her unseeded, but quickly realized that Alexa would do it herself (in a much more messy, directly onto the floor fashion) if I was unwilling.

I had read, in the occasional recipe, of removing the seeds from tomatoes before slicing and using. I always thought of that as, well, pretty silly. Why take that extra step? Well, self preservation now comes to mind.

laundry

Andy and I went to a lover's workshop in November. It was lovely. A wonderful basis for introducing NVC to our relationship with each other and our daughter. At one point, each of us was to write about an incident that still lingers, and is present for each of us. Andy wrote about how I accuse him of "ruining" my clothes.

Today, I awoke to 3 of my shirts folded on the dresser. 2 dried on the line ~ not thrilled that he did them, but maybe not "ruined". The 3rd, a black tee, obviously washed and dried to the state of a limp rag. I was unreasonably furious.

I stood at the sink of dirty dinner dishes (probably another good reason to shine your sink at night), and suddenly had a hint of a deja vu. I usually have mundane deja vus, and think of them as markers along the path. Today, I wondered at the significance of this moment ~ is this the day, perhaps, I lose my marriage over a ruined shirt? Hmm.

Magical Child

Joseph Chilton Pearce, author of the Magical Child wrote the foreword for And the Skylark Sings with Me, so this morning I grabbed "magical child" off the shelf and began to read. It's a rare book where I read the preface. Sometimes I skim, but often the preface is really just a thank you note in disguise. Boring and full of pleasantries. This one is a real preface, an introduction, a visible background for the reader. A setting for Chapter One. At the bottom of page xii, Pearce writes, "I knew guilt over my own experience as a father and nostalgia over the loss of potential I had once felt so keenly." [emphasis added] Perhaps this is what Andy was feeling when he spoke of options narrowing as we grow older. The nostalgia over loss of potential.

My resistance to this book has been funny. Magical Child is a title that would almost draw me to read it under normal circumstances, but I have the same resistance to this book as I do to wearing Birkenstocks ~ My parents wore birks, and my mom read this book when my sibs and I were little. Random resistance. Seems silly in retrospect, but hey. I'm glad I'm finally reading. The hardest part of reading developmental books is as I read, I realize I've already made so many missteps with my own daughter.

Park Days

I am feeling exhausted. Alexa only had a one hour nap, and the afternoon and evening wore on in a succession of melt downs. Somehow, I thought it would be a better day.

I've been planning park dates for Alexa. I figure we'll both get out, and she'll be social. Fresh air. Good all around. Somehow, I'm not getting a lot done on the days we go out.

I like being home, I realize. I like my house, I like my stuff, I like being still and cozy with my thoughts. Sometimes I go crazy, but lately I've been feeling like I really want to tunnel into a big cushiony bed and sleep. Maybe I'm depressed.

Tomorrow, I have my 3rd play date in 3 days. I'm feeling very heavily booked. My house is wrecked. I think that is the part that is depressing. I'm feeling in the midst of chaos.

Stripes are Alexa's preferred pattern of the moment. She loves them, and they must remain entirely visible at all times. This has led to some interesting outfits. Note the pajamas under the striped shirt.

Alexa has also decided she needs clear visibility of her food. Today, in desperation, I adapted a sorter for paper clips and pens into an ad hoc "TV tray" for the striped generation. Alexa was quite pleased that none of her food "touched".

And the skylark sings with me

by David H. Albert

Recently been reading And the Skylark Sings with Me, Adventures in Homeschooling and Community-Based Education, and have been enjoying the insights into learning. What has been amazing is hearing the insights his children have into everyday life. It is so important not to lose the resonance of play, the love of learning.

Yesterday, Andy mentioned that you can be anything you want to be as a child, but that as we grow older our options narrow. It seemed a very sad thing to say, and I wondered if he was feeling hopeless. I spent a few minutes empathizing with him, and I think he was actually being pragmatic. Still, it seemed a depressing thought, and I immediately rebeled. Life is to be always grasped and lived. Yes, options are changed, realizations occur ("I am not male, and may not ever know what making love with a penis is like"), and I am not limited by these choices/options/decisions. My path may be altered, but it is still a path with a rainbow of options available.

Julia's Playday

Alexa (in stripes) and Henry (in a sporting Hello Kitty cap) playing on the slide. After watching the two of them play, Sarah commented, "together, they could probably take over a small South American country." Definitely a distinct possibility.

Shoopy, Henry & Alexa

home alone

The family has gone to grandma's, and I'm sitting here with a gleeful smile. What to do, what to do ; )

Goals

In my decluttering, I came across an old notebook. As part of a financial workshop I was doing, I wrote the following on July 1, 2002:

Goals for July 1, 2003
* Toyota, Pontiac or Buick (gently used car)
* Visit Veronica in Brazil
* Write Guide to Financial Literacy
* Sign [contract] or marry Andy
* [buy] Home
* Pay off Visa
* Visit Dad
* Visit Grandma
* Admitted to MLS program

From top, down.
+ We bought a gently used Honda 1/04.
- Visit Veronica in Brazil: I so wish I had, pregnancy intervened.
- Write guide to financial literacy: it was to be an outline for seminars I was giving on managing debt. Somehow this isn't a major focus anymore, although I still feel a shift in thinking is necessary for most people in their approach towards money.
+ Married Andy 10/02.
+ Bought home 9/02.
+ Pay off Visa spring 03
+ Visit Dad 10/02 (he came to the wedding)
+ Visit Grandma 11/02

I think I actualized what was important, the Honda was a little late ; )

Goals for July 1, 2007
* Child
* Publishing/magazine business
* Income in excess of $200, 000 per year
* All credit card debt paid in full
* Student loan half paid
* Own 2nd and 3rd Rental

The only thing accomplished on this list so far is having a child. But everything on this list is a high level goal. What is interesting is I would really like a small magazine/publishing business. I would imagine it almost completely online, and I am not even certain, yet, how it would make money.

It is interesting to read my goals from the vantage of 2.5 years. I am 1/2 way to my 5 year goals, and it's good to see what I've actualized, what has lost its focus. I think I need to get working!

July 1, 2012
* Student loan PIF
* Savings
* 3 or 4 investment properties
* Celebrate 10th Anniversary with Andy
* Speaking & writing career

and below, in different pen:
* Happy child
* Home in country
* Condo in city

Written pre-birth, pre-marriage, pre-home, yet so close in time to all those events. It's an interesting snapshot of my mind at the time.

Goals and focus are pivotal. A few years after I graduated from law school, I could not imagine what had ever possessed me to go in the first place. The entire experience seemed so against everything I hoped and desired. It felt like I had lost my way.

Around this time, my mother bought a new home, and all the kids were summoned home to sift through the belongings we had stored over the years. Among my high school papers I found my PSAT score sheet from the 10th grade. Listed among my prospective college majors was "pre-law". I felt shocked. I had no idea that my intention to go to law school had formed so early.