Alexa wanted to be carried from the bed, and I refused. Instead I placed her on the floor and held her hand as we walked. She protested loudly all the way to the other room.
She didn't quiet right away, and started crying real tears . I asked her why she felt so sad when mommy didn't carry her from the room. I asked several different thoughts, and then I asked if she felt "unloved" when I didn't carry her, and she said "yes" and started crying more.
This is where I end up in an NVC tangle. My needs, her needs. I know it is more than that. The idea is not whose needs are met, but expressing needs and feelings. The goal is depth of connection. I have information that helps me connect deeper with Alexa, but I am not sure what to do next.
My instinct is to hug her, and let her know that mommy loves her very much. My need is not have to carry Alexa. My need is for autonomy. My need is for a little independence as I wake up and get out of bed.
There was another part of me: tears are manipulation, I am being manipulated. But after writing just a few paragraphs that no longer feels true in this moment.
Mothering is so hard. There is a part of me that craves intimacy of connection with my child. To be there with her, and there is another part of me that wants to run and hide. Have space. Plug her need into something else for just a little while as I breathe and think. I miss thinking.
posted by La Uva @ 10:13 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Hmm... I understand not wanting to carry my child upon waking up. I am usually heading straight for the lu. I also know that both my boys love to be held as they wake up. It is really the only time Wiley wants to be held by me (after his nap). So, we have this sort of routine. He calls me and I come in and pick him up. He gets really upset if I don't come.
Is the problem that she won't wait for you to do what you need to do before you can hold her? Emet was going through a period of throwing a major fit every time I used the bathroom. Eventually, he eased up. I mean, unless I'm hiding, bathroom time is pretty short. Guess he figured that out. I hope you can find a compromise. Oh, and have a great trip!
We cuddled when she woke, but lately she wants me to physically carry her out of the bed and into the next room. I guess I always used to do that, but she weighed less. It also feels sad to me that she cries (right next to me) as I go to the loo (tmi ;). I feel frustrated... like gosh. Can't I even go to the bathroom! But she also cried like her heart was breaking when I asked her if she felt unloved because I didn't carry her. She feels things so deeply. Such a careful path to walk.
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