La Uva

simplifying

2005-06-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

I recently began receiving "Everyday Cheapskate". The following is an excerpt:

Mary Hunt is the creator of The Cheapskate Monthly newsletter, which can be ordered online at www.cheapskatemonthly.com/um.

ways to simplify your life

A study conducted by Trends Research Institute revealed that about 80 percent of respondents said they would be willing to accept a reduction in pay if they could work fewer hours to spend more time with their families.

It's a lovely thought, but how realistic is it? Working less usually means earning less -- hardly an option for most people. However, we can still take small steps to simplify our complicated lives. A little bit here and there -- before you know it, your efforts will add up to something significant.

1. GETTING RID OF YOUR LIFE'S JUNKY CLUTTER. The method is a cheap, fast and effective way to emotional and intellectual happiness.
2. BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. The social imperative that one must consume more and more to be happy is what breeds dissatisfaction and unfulfillment. Consumer culture consistently ratchets up standards so we constantly upgrade in order to keep up. It takes a conscious effort to desire less.
3. WRITE DOWN THE THINGS YOU NEED TO REMEMBER. And forget everything else. Don't allow your mind to dwell on things over which you have no control.
4. SHARE, LEND, BORROW AND RENT. Part of the reason we have our love affair with shopping and consumerism is because we think we need to personally own everything we use. Before you agree to complicate your life further with yet another possession, consider alternatives.
5. TURN OFF THE TV. You may not realize how your household television viewing is affecting your purchasing and lifestyle choices. If you are addicted to television, kicking the habit will simplify your life and allow you to find satisfaction.
6. DRIVE A SIMPLE CAR. High-end luxury automobiles are nice to drive, but can complicate one's life. Typically they are gas-guzzlers, and are expensive to insure, register, maintain and repair.
7. SELECT PATTERNED CARPET. Light colored, plush carpeting is beautiful but shows every speck, spot, fleck and crumb. If you want your carpets to look good without having to spend all your free time spotting, vacuuming, deflecking and uncrumbing, go with something speckled, patterned or multicolored.
8. TAKE CHARGE OF THE PHONE. Just because it happens to be a convenient time for someone to call you doesn't mean it's convenient for you to answer. Get an answering machine and then return calls at your discretion and when it is convenient. Getting control of the phone will add simplicity to your life.
9. BECOME LABEL CONSCIOUS. Unless it's mandatory for your profession, do not buy clothes that must be dry-cleaned. You'll save time, aggravation and a ton of money over the long haul.
10. GET UP EARLIER. The best hour of the day is the one right before you normally get up. It may take you a few weeks to truly enjoy that hour right before dawn, but when you create the habit you will be amazed by the simplicity that 60 quiet, stress-free minutes will add to your day.

***************************

Rarely buy dry clean only (and rarely dryclean when I do...sometimes to my regret). Hardwood floors instead of patterned carpet. And when I am up earlier I appreciate the down time, but it's not a habit. Other than that, I very much follow the first six tips. We are so trained to consume. It can be exhausting. It is so important to learn to create our own definitions of successs.

La Uva

2005-06-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

ÂIt is easy to believe that you will fall off the career ladder or become less ÂmarketableÂ if you take time off to raise your children. But marketability can be regained; a childhood cannot. Remember when you consider your lost career ÂpotentialÂ that your potential as a mother will never again be quite as profound as it is during your childÂs first few years. Your career may span forty or more years. Your children will probably live with you for eighteen years; they may only be home for five years before full time schooling begins and you will be the centre of their universe for only the first three years or so. Parenting is truly a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.Â

Peggy OÂMara in Natural Family Living (2000:119)

It's almost political to place family first - before a new car, a bigger home, expensive clothes, and other items marketed as 'necessities'.

I live in my dream home. It's not the home I imagine when I am wishing for a bigger kitchen or bath witamenitiesmenities. It's the home I imagined being in while caring for my family: structurally sound and affordable.

When I looked at the successful people in my family, the ones with the most stability and ease were working everyday jobs. What created their stability was they did not spend their money unnecessarily. They practiced discipline. Drove their cars for years, and only purchased what they could pay for in full ~ whether it be a car, a toy, or home improvement. They enjoy life, but they don't lose track of their goals. It was eye opening.

I wish I were further along that road myself. Discipline is still a struggle. We are on the right path, and we need more discipline. Two steps forward, one step back, eyes wide open.

La Uva

2005-06-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered I am bitter. I was telling the horrendous stories I've collected about licensing exams and finals, and my friends laughed, and then mentioned I sounded bitter. I was taken aback. Bitter is never how I've described myself, or how I would want to be described, and I realized that it's possibly true. On this one faint branch, I am bitter.

And I feel sad at the realization. Life is so precious and short, and bitterness 'sours' me. It does nothing to transform the space I inhabit, the thoughts I am thinking. It simply deadens them. Shortens their span of existence.

I don't want to be bitter.

I'm not sure what to do next. I feel love, healing, and forgiveness are in here somewhere. I will have to think on this.

The American Anthem

2005-06-16T17:37:00.000-07:00

american anthem (radiohead/Kid A) opens with a rush

de dee dom dom, de dee dom dom

The first time I heard the song, I was transported to Glacier: a memory of driving east on Going to the Sun . As the music raced, my heart beat faster.

Descending towards the plains. Leaving the Rockies behind, entering the sea of grass.

for me, american anthem is inextricably linked to the song which immediately follows: how to disappear completely. As I crossed the grasslands, I felt anonymous.

The Rockies on the horizon, always seemingly 'just over there'.

pole dance

2005-06-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

I.

Thursday, April 28th, I walked headfirst into a parallel bar on the playground. I smoothly ducked the first one, came up, strode forward, and somehow nailed my forehead on the second bar. (The "parallel" aspect escaped me.)

I didn't pass out. Thankfully. Although, I may have given myself whiplash for the first time without the help of anyone else. No other driver, other person. Just me and the playground equipment. I obviously don't bounce the same as when I was four.

II.

We have a bird feeder. It was outside the kitchen window. I would see it when I was washing dishes. It worked very well for about a week. Little sparrows and chickadees gathered.

Then it was discovered by our local, bushy tailed squirrel. A nice interlude: running water, beautiful hedgerow, birds gathered on branches watching the lone squirrel *gorge* on seed.

The feeder sits atop of long, steel pole, and comes equipped with a domed roof. The pole and dome are "squirrel prevention".

We moved the bird feeder closer to the apple tree. At the moment he is sitting on the feeder eating lunch. I watched him shimmy up the pole and swing himself up and onto the rim in an acrobatic dance move. At least he had to burn a few calories in the endeavor.

III.

The town where I lived as a teenager had tall, steel lamp posts towering above the main street. As a child in New York, I recall the lamp posts were placed next to the road. Not here. In this sleepy Florida town, they were placed in the center of the sidewalk.

I was shy and bookish in high school. I'd hide in a world of words, even when walking. I recall this one afternoon, nose firmly buried, when I connected with one of those hard, metal posts. I woke, book sprawled across my chest, sidewalk hard beneath my back. Cars whizzing by. Sun shining down. I always prayed the time between connection and waking had been brief. Very brief.

Beautiful pictures

2005-06-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

These pictures are beautiful.

La Uva

2005-06-11T00:09:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I was supermom for a day. I gardened, played with my child, helped her fingerpaint, did dishes, made dinner... and at the end of the day I whispered to myself, "you were a good mom today."

And I cringed. Fingerpainting, and playing with dollhouses were being a "good mom", and all the other days I am just ... not a good mom?

Cooking

2005-05-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

I spend hours browsing old books at garage sales and second hand stores, and I just came across a lovely old cookbook: HONEY RECIPES from the Country Kitchen of Peg Carpenter. The copyright is 1964, and contains the following: May your home also be blessed with the honest aroma of baking bread, the appreciation of food healthfully prepared, and filled with the happiness of your loved ones heart felt thanks.

I am unsure if this small book (about 5 x 7 inches) was self-published and distributed to friends (I LOVE these type of books), or sold at their farm stand perhaps.

I left home with a tenuous grasp on boiling water, and when first beginning my cooking adventures , would call my mother with questions such as: "Mom, how do you make pancakes from scratch?". (I could hear my 13 year-old brother snorting in the background with that question.)

My mom seemed a little shocked that I didn't realize flour, water, and an egg made pancakes, and promptly sent me "Sunset's Easy Basics ".

It is a fabulous, very basic cookbook (I still use it). My downstairs neighbors were a trio of bachelor freshman, and they often borrowed it to create homemade meals for their dates. It's the primer that explains concepts such as "frappe" with step-by-step photographs of the frappe process.

As I delved more into cooking, I became even more fascinated with "cooking from scratch". This recipe is definitely in that vein:

Honey Marshmallows (from Peg Carpeter's Honey Recipes)
1 T Knox Gelatin covered with:
1/4 cup cold water, then warm:
1 cup Honey

Mix honey, gelatin and water with electric mixer for 10 minutes, or until the mixture climbs the beaters (I might need to consult Sunset for pictures on "climb[ing] the beaters").

Spread in a 8" x 8" x 2" pan lined with buttered wax paper and refrigerate 24 to 48 hours. Turn out on coconut. Toast coconut if desired.

Garden madness

2005-05-05T01:40:00.000-07:00

I visited a garden nursery on Tuesday. It is a local institution, with a wonderful cafe, beautiful plants, and sobering prices. I bought a small vinca for a shady area for $3.49.

I was drawn to the evergreen hedges, though. I have a beautiful laurel on the South side of my house. When we first moved in it was overgrown, and a little scary. Now it has been pruned for 3 summers and is really beautiful. I've a new appreciation for hedges.

On craigslist this past weekend, I've noticed people listing plants. Several hedges were listed, and after checking out the prices at the nursery, I am quite willing to go dig. My only thought is how to get the bush/hedge into the truck once I've dug it out. Rootballs and limbs are heavy.

I mentioned my plan to Andy, and he seemed a little frightened ; )

Driving

2005-05-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

“Where did you learn how to drive?” Andy asked.

(R) "I learned how to drive in FL."

Andy shook his head. "I thought you learned how to drive in NY."

(R) "No. I learned how to drive in FL. I learned how to park in NY."

Andy rolled his eyes, and my friend Stephanie just laughed. It’s true. I was not trying to be funny. I failed my driver’s license test 3 times in FL because I didn’t know how to parallel park.

La Uva

2005-04-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

I've been in hyper drive the past week. I am not quite sure what happened (well, Mercury went direct), but I am suddenly obsessed with creating order. I feel freed from the end of winter blues, and am spring cleaning in my own odd fashion. (ie. the house is a mess, but all the shredding is done...)

I've mainly been focusing on paperwork and gardening. They balance each other nicely. The shredding was a monumental job. I sorted 3 years worth of financial records and "essentialized". Basically, if it didn't relate specifically to our taxes, it was shredded. I did most of this when my husband was NOT around. He is a packrat. I used to be a packrat, but once married, there can be only one and he is far more invested. With regards to paper, packrat means not only is the bill kept, but also the original (torn) envelope, the advertising flyers that arrived with the bill, the return envelope... Multiply this by 3 years, and this has been my shredding.

Andy walked up during the tail end of the last round, and started panicking. "You are going so fast." Yes.

Gardening has been more rewarding. I've finally begun to appreciate our yard, and the plants which are there. At the moment there are tons of blue flowers: English bluebells, forget-me-nots (which I think are named because they tend to take over and be hard to forget...) and grape hyacinth. I have several rhodies, and the apple tree looks beautiful. At the moment there is morning fog drifting between the branches. The only thing missing is a blue hydrangea.

This has been such a peaceful way to wake up. Looking out the window, watching the backyard world begin to stir.

La Uva

2005-04-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted. I've been contemplating blog entries for days now, and wishing I had Dragonspeak so that I could simply dictate while doing dishes.

I feel exhausted. Today was the absolute strangest day I have had in a long time. I decided to look into replacing the windows in the basement. I received an innocuous looking flyer in the mail offering free estimates. I set up the appointment for 7pm so that we'd have time for dinner and transition from the day. Of course it didn't work that way.

Dinnertime was spent fighting traffic, and 7pm is when we all arrived at home to see the window van in front of our home. Two hours later the window salesman finally left. I feel drained and exhausted. I'm not sure I've the energy for anything but sleep.

La Uva

2005-04-12T22:48:00.000-07:00

There are so many moments, even approaching the midst of my life, where I still wonder what I will do when I grow up. It seems absurd.

When I was 12, I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. At 20 a counselor in addictions. I became a counselor in addictions. I have always attained my goals, once stated. I simply am unsure of what my goals presently are.

I love my daughter, but eventually, she will be ensconced in her own life. Where will I be then. What passion will move me. What will I be accomplishing.

I don't regret the pause in my career. It feels clearer to me to be a mother than anything I've yet done. And what is next?

I feel at a crossroads.

Armed and dangerous

2005-04-07T00:50:00.000-07:00

Mike, my first cyclist, was also an amazing hiker. We spent many, many afternoons hiking the trails and back country between Big Sur and Carmel Valley. I still think of that area as one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

When I first began hiking, though, I was wary of the landscape. I had just moved to California from Florida. In California, nature is benign. In Florida, nature is well-armed. Growing up in Florida, everything bites. My childhood memories include mosquitoes at twilight, alligators sheltering under the dock, and invisible chiggers in the beautiful green grass. Fire ants, sharp stickers, and burning hot sand made walking barefoot across a field inadvisable. All the above gave me a healthy respect for 'nature'.

When I first began hiking with Mike, I would jump at the sight of a bug. If I sat on a log, I would be poised to leap at the first nibble. The idea of wading into a river was viewed with extreme trepidation. Mike found all this hilarious. I tried to explain that in Florida, between the alligators, cotton mouths, chiggers, fire ants, stickers, and goodness knows what else... that nature was NOT relaxing.

It took months for me to calm down and finally enjoy the wonder of the coastal forests and beaches. One day, resting on a trail, I observed a beautiful furry ant. Yes. Furry. It was the oddest ant I had ever seen. A vibrant orange-red, it was also super-sized -- literally twice the size of any ant I had ever seen. I was quite captivated watching this wonder of god's creatures. For some reason, I was compelled, I reached out and touched it. To this day I still feel the shock of when it bit me.

Cycling

2005-04-05T15:33:00.000-07:00

Happy and Blue 2 (link on the side) has several stories about cycling. Funny and well-written, they have reminded me of a time when the men in my life were almost exclusively cyclists. During my twenties, dh was the *only* "non-cyclist" I dated.

I never sought them out. We'd begin talking, start dating, and then I'd be introduced to their Bike.

These young men were very serious about their sport. They rode centuries on the weekend for fun (100 miles in one day). Their bike would often rival the cost of my first car. I was encouraged to admire their bike, but definitely not encouraged to ride it. My first cyclist had a beautiful blue Miata. He once let me ride it **for one short block** if I promised not to go up and down any curbs.

On the other hand, they always encouraged me to ride. I would buy mountain bikes, and we'd climb steep grades, and barrell down dusty trails. I liked riding bikes, but never became a cyclist, much to the disappointment of my first (cyclist), Mike.

Why did I date so many cyclists? Mike explained it best. He loved my calves. He thought they were the most perfect shape for riding. He would admire them, and wish his own legs (honed by many centuries) featured as developed a muscle as my lower calf.

I'm still not sure, as sincere as he was, whether I feel sexier knowing this...

traveling

2005-03-16T23:57:00.000-08:00

Visiting California for the next ten days. Blog hiatus, random notes... all is unknown ;)

Essence

2005-03-11T22:34:00.000-08:00

The song Essence by Lucinda Williams has been a recent constant. She practically growls:

Baby, sweet baby
whisper my name
...

I am waiting here for more
I am waiting by your door
...

I am waiting for your essence

The note in her voice reminds me of the intensity of new relationship, the frisson of excitement and longing for connection.

When I first met Andy, I was drawn to him with that intensity. Now we move in a slow, comfortable dance (or is it a mildly tired, sleep deprived dance?). I wouldn't trade positions, but the memory brings a smile.

Top Model

2005-03-11T22:33:00.000-08:00

"Please Don't Feed the Models" was the logo on the T wore by the 'weights and measures' man on this show. Only saw 10 minutes tonight, and was so disheartened. The photographers were alternately "loving" their faves, or ripping on the poses of those they didn't like.

This show is a set up for an eating disorder. Tall, thin, beautiful enough to make the final 14 of America's Top Model, and the feeding frenzy on body and soul commences.

Baking is my solace.

2005-03-07T20:19:00.000-08:00

Today was a **very** hard day, and cooking dinner was only adding to my brain's lack of enjoyment. I am not a natural cook. I've no idea what to make, have a very limited repertoire of recipes that work (for me), and worry about straying too far because if it is inedible I have to start again immediately from scratch.

Dessert is so much easier. If the cookies are a little hard, dunk them in milk. If they rise perfectly into little chocolate chip puffs, well, that's a good day.

My evening stress shifted when I was suddenly inspired to bake from scratch. I saw a recipe for lemon bars, and was off.

I made a short bread for the first time -- what a delightfully easy recipe: blend 1/2 pound butter, 1/2 c powdered sugar, and 2 c flour. I blended by hand, but would be even easier in a food processor. Bake at 325 degrees for 20 minutes (40 if only making shortbread).

Whisk 4 eggs with 2c granulated sugar, grate a little lemon rind, add 6 T lemon juice and 1 tsp baking powder. Bake 15 to 20 minutes. Dust with powdered sugar.

Hopefully will turn out, but what feels amazing to me is the simple act of baking has placed a smile on my face. I am actually grinning. I need to figure out how to do that with cooking.

Help me find culinary excitement. Make me the Martha of my block. Link me to your favorite recipe, and I'll post my results ;)

Urban hiking

2005-03-04T08:41:00.000-08:00

Jennifer and I took our toddlers out on the town. We went downtown to hear an amazing woman speak, and thought it would be fun, and a great political statement, to bring our children as well. (She had spoken of the marginalization of children while being interviewed that day).

We drove downtown, found amazing parking **right by the venue**. Our little ones were so excited to be holding our hands and walking to the show... and it was sold out.

Alexa and S. were quite amped by the new experience and were not (at all) interested in waiting in front with the other devotees. They wanted to keep exploring. As we weren't in the safest place to wander, we bundled back in the car (Alexa ~ major car seat protest, disappointment at the short excursion), and drove to a mellower place to visit and let the children explore.

The first coffee shop was crowded, and walking to the car we realized that this area was perfect for Toddler Urban Hiking. They ran up and down little paths, and climbed stairs, and walked up and down ramps. They had a blast. They also found a little rockery area. Alexa is obsessed with rock climbing. A little goat, she is a climber, and when she sees a small boulder is adamant she reach the top.

When we actually found a little coffee shop (only two blocks, and an hour of toddler hiking from the first), Jennifer and I were tired. It was fun to get out of our zone, though, and Alexa slept quite soundly when we got home.

I realized that this was the first "non-family visit" evening adventure I had gone on with Alexa. Andy and I do not go out in the evening with our toddler. In some ways, it's a lot of work to go to public places with children, but it's not undo-able, particularly with only one.

I also think a little work can go a long way. A. learns community by experiencing life, culture and community... or so goes the thought...

I've been loving the blog question format, so this is mine. What is the most memorable place you remember visiting as a child, or taking your own child to? Or, in deeper thought, do you feel children are marginalized?

a visit from the Tree pruner

2005-03-01T14:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a high water mark between the tree and I. A woman answered my plea for pruning advice, and came with shears in hand. She was wearing a marvelous felted yellow hat (I think all gardeners should wear wonderful hats), and opened by asking if it would be okay if she stood and "felt" the tree a little before we started. As I recently visited with the tree in a dream, "feeling" the tree is entirely within the realm of rational.

I was given a lesson in pruning, and found I was (actually) being a little to lenient on the new growth. We marked branches with different colored ribbons: green for a definite cut, and red or white for possible cuts (cutting all of one of the colors chosen). All in all, it was a wonderful experience.

La Uva

2005-02-25T23:56:00.000-08:00

I stumbled upon dictionary.com searching for lambent (my favorite way to define words I'm puzzling ~ copy, paste, google).

Several businesses are named Lambent, and a lambent.com exists. A definition of Lambent was buried low in the page, but contained linked quotations using the word in a sentence. A reminder of grade school, but how divine to have examples of written use. The etymology is given as:Lambent is from the present participle of Latin lambere, "to lick"

I love language.

2005-02-25T16:22:00.000-08:00

When I've the presence to be in the moment and simply experience my daughter, I am delighted by how she processes her world. She loves to wash her hands, and cannot resist pulling the plug and saying "bye" to the water as it drains. Very special moments.

the "Yes" song

2005-02-25T16:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Alexa and I baked bread with her great grandmother. It was a wonderful time, and after Alexa napped for a long time.

When she woke, Alexa nursed, and I decided to sing her the "yes" song. Yes, Alexa is nursing. Yes, Alexa is lying next to mommy. Yes, Alexa is nursing. Yes, Alexa is wearing a striped shirt... and, so on.

I've tried to avoid using "No" with Alexa, and as often as possible have used the word "stop" (as in, "Please stop the action you are doing"). Unfortunately, as an almost-two, no has been used, and Alexa has been exercising her own "no" more often. My inspiration for the song, was to make "yes" as heard as "no", and to positively associate "yes" with actions Alexa loves.

Dressing today, there was still the imperious "no." Would you like to wear the flowered shirt or the pink shirt? "No. No." We'll see how it goes ;)

pruning 101

2005-02-25T00:04:00.000-08:00

I posted a request for advice on pruning fruit trees on a local board. I have received amazing advice, and am humbled by the assistance. I have learned why pruning cuts are made at 45 degree angles (to prevent standing water on the cut, and possible rot), to make the cut at the same angle that branch meets the main trunk (this makes sense ~ in a like needs like sense?). If the cut is at the proper angle, it promotes healing of the cut in the ways that trees heal their wounds.

Andy just reminded me that part of what happened with the tree is related to the ice storm which occurred last winter. The ice storm (I always think of the Frost poem "Birches") bowed the tree from a straight position next to the fence, into a angled position towards the center of the yard. He also thought the tree had been part of the original orchards planted in the 1920's. Sigh. More information, but I feel like hiding. I had been cutting some of the right branches, but had been doing so at the wrong angles.

On Monday, a woman with apple pruning experience will be visiting me. She answered my plea for help, and I feel maybe, just maybe, we can begin to mend and heal some of the damage. Another person wrote that apple trees are very forgiving. I can feel the forgiveness, I just hope it survives our ignorance. I would like to do something for the tree to ease its shock. Jennifer will give me nettles for the tea. I am wondering at what else I can do.

Apple tree

2005-02-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

Last night, a beautiful woman visited me in my dream. She wore a long, silvery green dress, and when she approached me began sobbing. She lived in the apple tree, and was sobbing in pain. I held her,and realized through carelessness and ignorance, we had mutilated her limbs.

Today I looked at the tree, and am at a loss of what to do to. It is a graft of two trees. One tree trunk is silver in color, the other a gnarled familiar brown. It has been neglected, and has many upright branches reaching towards the sky as if startled. Each of those upward branches needs to removed, but the lateral branches, in our ignorance, have been cut short. I am not sure how to save her.

Jennifer suggested a strong nettle tea as nourishing. That appeals in an etheric sense. I have compost, but am unsure if placing compost on the ground around the base of the tree would be helpful or not. I need more information.

Saturday

2005-02-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

Alexa and Andy are on a walk. Andy let me sleep in today, which was wonderful. Alexa woke me at about 3:30 am, and I lay awake after for hours. It is the worst feeling, because I know, *from experience*, when I finally do fall into a deep sleep, Alexa will wake me again. This is what strongly urges me to night wean, and why the thought of another child can scare me.

It feels so wonderful when I am rested. I can think clearly, move efficiently, make plans. Sleep deprivation alters every aspect of my life. Doing the dishes becomes a great accomplishment after a sleep interupted night.

ttc

2005-02-17T20:36:00.000-08:00

At Noey's birthday party, Alexa nodded quite strongly when I asked if she wanted Andy and I to have another baby. This could be the time ... ; )

Sunglasses

2005-02-17T18:10:00.000-08:00

Alexa and I went to the store. Very close to her nap time, so a little rough around the edges. We had a wonderful time coming home, though. Alexa loves her new perch in the front seat.

Alexa is always saying "eyes, eyes" whenever we turn towards the sun. I bought a package of sunglasses (little kids' party favors) in bright colors. I thought they'd be a fun solution. She took to her new orange pair immediately (I hid the rest). She figured out how to put them on -- upside down, but they stayed on! She looked adorable, and I realized how much she is patterning herself on me. Part of me is worried ~ I am not the best example of many things.

Seeing her wearing her sunglasses and sitting in the frontseat(just like mommy), well, it was a beautiful feeling.

fear of love

2005-02-17T14:05:00.000-08:00

Alexa feels things so deeply. This morning I removed her from the open door (a little hastily) and she burst into tears. I spent almost 10 minutes holding her, and talking to her about her "owie". Her hand where I had pulled her back, but I think also her heart. I gave her Reiki on her hand, arm, shoulder, and also gave her Reiki on her emotional hurt.

At the end, we nursed and cuddled on the couch a long time. These times are always hard for me because I am in a hurry, with an agenda, and being Zen feels like all my own plans just hit a wall. My daughter is important, and I do not "regret" the connection. I do feel exhausted and frustrated by the sudden switch.

I also felt fear as we were cuddling. I love this child so much. What if she holds things deep in her heart, so deep, that one day she no longer wants to talk to me. It would hurt so much. It made me want another child, just so my whole heart wouldn't be crushed if that ever happened.

24

2005-02-17T02:43:00.000-08:00

I missed 24 this past Monday. I've sporadically watched it over the past few years, and have never been successful at watching more than 6 of the 24 episodes. I watched it last week though, and was really looking forward to Monday's episode. I had heard it was possible to download recent TV shows on the web, but wasn't sure where or how. A google search led me to two sites that wanted a credit card number (interestingly enough both sites had different addresses, but the exact same "page" . . . always a sketch).

Finally, I came across an episode guide which outlined each scene of the hour show. I read the outline, and felt complete. It was short, sweet, yet detailed enough to satisfy my urge to know. It was TV Cliffnotes, and as satisfying as the long exhale upon first lighting a cigarette. A deep sigh.

My smoking days are long over, but the memory is strong.

Global Consciousness Project

2005-02-15T11:52:00.000-08:00

Someday after mastering winds, waves, tides and gravity, we shall harness the energies of love, and then, for the second time in the history of the world, man will discover fire.

Teilhard de Chardin

I found this quote in an article posted at the Global Consciousness Project at Princeton. My mind is moving so quickly to encompass all the possibilities of this project. Global awareness of the effect of focused consciousness. Would that be good? Isn't the consciousness of the many already being manipulated by the few. Would awareness of the energy focused by each individual impact how that individual chooses to focus?

there are intriguing signs of an emerging integration of purpose and perspective in the world, though it remains fragile and as delicate as a newborn. For this integration to mature, we need great patience, and what we think of as "good luck." Perhaps by being more conscious of the possibilities, we can lessen the need for patience and increase our portion of luck.

Hmm. Food for thought.

La Uva

2005-02-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

Didn't get on the plane. Alexa started throwing up upon waking, and within the first 1/2 hour had thrown up 4 times. She feels crabby, and after a few "can I do this? Maybe if I put a lot of shirts in the diaper bag?" -- crazy mama thoughts : )

Anyway, rescheduled. Not sure if she has flu that Andy insists we had in October, or if it is something she ate. Either way. Sick toddler. Ack.

Car seat wars

2005-02-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

Driving anywhere with Alexa lately has been arduous. My keys explored, the clock reset, pretending to drive... all very valid territory to a 23 month old. But no matter how long we spent "easing" into the carseat, it was still a battle once the buckling began. I'd actually contemplated driving a few blocks with Alexa sitting somewhere, anywhere in the car. Just this once, I'd think.

Today, I moved the car seat to the front seat. I don't have air bags, so it is "safe", but not as safe as when she was safely nested in the center of the backseat. The ease with which she slid into her new location was almost worth the switch, though.

She sat in her elevated throne and parade waved with a hearty "Hi" to everyone she saw. Her happiness again in the car was a relief.

2005-02-13T10:13:00.000-08:00

Alexa wanted to be carried from the bed, and I refused. Instead I placed her on the floor and held her hand as we walked. She protested loudly all the way to the other room.

She didn't quiet right away, and started crying real tears . I asked her why she felt so sad when mommy didn't carry her from the room. I asked several different thoughts, and then I asked if she felt "unloved" when I didn't carry her, and she said "yes" and started crying more.

This is where I end up in an NVC tangle. My needs, her needs. I know it is more than that. The idea is not whose needs are met, but expressing needs and feelings. The goal is depth of connection. I have information that helps me connect deeper with Alexa, but I am not sure what to do next.

My instinct is to hug her, and let her know that mommy loves her very much. My need is not have to carry Alexa. My need is for autonomy. My need is for a little independence as I wake up and get out of bed.

There was another part of me: tears are manipulation, I am being manipulated. But after writing just a few paragraphs that no longer feels true in this moment.

Mothering is so hard. There is a part of me that craves intimacy of connection with my child. To be there with her, and there is another part of me that wants to run and hide. Have space. Plug her need into something else for just a little while as I breathe and think. I miss thinking.

Someone else's mother

2005-02-12T22:51:00.000-08:00

The macy*s shoe department used to send my pulse racing. The smell of leather, the smooth line of a well-shod leg . . . I would collect shoes like art. Details were everything.

Tonight, I walked through the macy*s shoe department, and was left cold. Nothing excited me. The few glimpses of something interesting were quickly cooled when I eyed the price. What happened to me!?

I did not feel the joy of shopping until I reached Sears. Sears!!! I bought a pair of Land's End all-weather mocs in dark brown, and a pair of leather soled sandals for my trip next week. I no longer recognize myself -- I've become someone else's mother.

Cherry tomatoes

2005-02-12T14:57:00.000-08:00

Today I seeded Alexa's tomatoes. I sliced them and gave them to her unseeded, but quickly realized that Alexa would do it herself (in a much more messy, directly onto the floor fashion) if I was unwilling.

I had read, in the occasional recipe, of removing the seeds from tomatoes before slicing and using. I always thought of that as, well, pretty silly. Why take that extra step? Well, self preservation now comes to mind.

laundry

2005-02-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

Andy and I went to a lover's workshop in November. It was lovely. A wonderful basis for introducing NVC to our relationship with each other and our daughter. At one point, each of us was to write about an incident that still lingers, and is present for each of us. Andy wrote about how I accuse him of "ruining" my clothes.

Today, I awoke to 3 of my shirts folded on the dresser. 2 dried on the line ~ not thrilled that he did them, but maybe not "ruined". The 3rd, a black tee, obviously washed and dried to the state of a limp rag. I was unreasonably furious.

I stood at the sink of dirty dinner dishes (probably another good reason to shine your sink at night), and suddenly had a hint of a deja vu. I usually have mundane deja vus, and think of them as markers along the path. Today, I wondered at the significance of this moment ~ is this the day, perhaps, I lose my marriage over a ruined shirt? Hmm.

Magical Child

2005-02-09T08:59:00.000-08:00

Joseph Chilton Pearce, author of the Magical Child wrote the foreword for And the Skylark Sings with Me, so this morning I grabbed "magical child" off the shelf and began to read. It's a rare book where I read the preface. Sometimes I skim, but often the preface is really just a thank you note in disguise. Boring and full of pleasantries. This one is a real preface, an introduction, a visible background for the reader. A setting for Chapter One. At the bottom of page xii, Pearce writes, "I knew guilt over my own experience as a father and nostalgia over the loss of potential I had once felt so keenly." [emphasis added] Perhaps this is what Andy was feeling when he spoke of options narrowing as we grow older. The nostalgia over loss of potential.

My resistance to this book has been funny. Magical Child is a title that would almost draw me to read it under normal circumstances, but I have the same resistance to this book as I do to wearing Birkenstocks ~ My parents wore birks, and my mom read this book when my sibs and I were little. Random resistance. Seems silly in retrospect, but hey. I'm glad I'm finally reading. The hardest part of reading developmental books is as I read, I realize I've already made so many missteps with my own daughter.

Park Days

2005-02-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

I am feeling exhausted. Alexa only had a one hour nap, and the afternoon and evening wore on in a succession of melt downs. Somehow, I thought it would be a better day.

I've been planning park dates for Alexa. I figure we'll both get out, and she'll be social. Fresh air. Good all around. Somehow, I'm not getting a lot done on the days we go out.

I like being home, I realize. I like my house, I like my stuff, I like being still and cozy with my thoughts. Sometimes I go crazy, but lately I've been feeling like I really want to tunnel into a big cushiony bed and sleep. Maybe I'm depressed.

Tomorrow, I have my 3rd play date in 3 days. I'm feeling very heavily booked. My house is wrecked. I think that is the part that is depressing. I'm feeling in the midst of chaos.

2005-02-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

Stripes are Alexa's preferred pattern of the moment. She loves them, and they must remain entirely visible at all times. This has led to some interesting outfits. Note the pajamas under the striped shirt.

Alexa has also decided she needs clear visibility of her food. Today, in desperation, I adapted a sorter for paper clips and pens into an ad hoc "TV tray" for the striped generation. Alexa was quite pleased that none of her food "touched".

And the skylark sings with me

2005-02-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

by David H. Albert

Recently been reading And the Skylark Sings with Me, Adventures in Homeschooling and Community-Based Education, and have been enjoying the insights into learning. What has been amazing is hearing the insights his children have into everyday life. It is so important not to lose the resonance of play, the love of learning.

Yesterday, Andy mentioned that you can be anything you want to be as a child, but that as we grow older our options narrow. It seemed a very sad thing to say, and I wondered if he was feeling hopeless. I spent a few minutes empathizing with him, and I think he was actually being pragmatic. Still, it seemed a depressing thought, and I immediately rebeled. Life is to be always grasped and lived. Yes, options are changed, realizations occur ("I am not male, and may not ever know what making love with a penis is like"), and I am not limited by these choices/options/decisions. My path may be altered, but it is still a path with a rainbow of options available.

Julia's Playday

2005-02-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

Alexa (in stripes) and Henry (in a sporting Hello Kitty cap) playing on the slide. After watching the two of them play, Sarah commented, "together, they could probably take over a small South American country." Definitely a distinct possibility.

2005-02-07T11:01:00.000-08:00

Shoopy, Henry & Alexa

home alone

2005-02-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

The family has gone to grandma's, and I'm sitting here with a gleeful smile. What to do, what to do ; )

Goals

2005-02-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

In my decluttering, I came across an old notebook. As part of a financial workshop I was doing, I wrote the following on July 1, 2002:

Goals for July 1, 2003
* Toyota, Pontiac or Buick (gently used car)
* Visit Veronica in Brazil
* Write Guide to Financial Literacy
* Sign [contract] or marry Andy
* [buy] Home
* Pay off Visa
* Visit Dad
* Visit Grandma
* Admitted to MLS program

From top, down.
+ We bought a gently used Honda 1/04.
- Visit Veronica in Brazil: I so wish I had, pregnancy intervened.
- Write guide to financial literacy: it was to be an outline for seminars I was giving on managing debt. Somehow this isn't a major focus anymore, although I still feel a shift in thinking is necessary for most people in their approach towards money.
+ Married Andy 10/02.
+ Bought home 9/02.
+ Pay off Visa spring 03
+ Visit Dad 10/02 (he came to the wedding)
+ Visit Grandma 11/02

I think I actualized what was important, the Honda was a little late ; )

Goals for July 1, 2007
* Child
* Publishing/magazine business
* Income in excess of $200, 000 per year
* All credit card debt paid in full
* Student loan half paid
* Own 2nd and 3rd Rental

The only thing accomplished on this list so far is having a child. But everything on this list is a high level goal. What is interesting is I would really like a small magazine/publishing business. I would imagine it almost completely online, and I am not even certain, yet, how it would make money.

It is interesting to read my goals from the vantage of 2.5 years. I am 1/2 way to my 5 year goals, and it's good to see what I've actualized, what has lost its focus. I think I need to get working!

July 1, 2012
* Student loan PIF
* Savings
* 3 or 4 investment properties
* Celebrate 10th Anniversary with Andy
* Speaking & writing career

and below, in different pen:
* Happy child
* Home in country
* Condo in city

Written pre-birth, pre-marriage, pre-home, yet so close in time to all those events. It's an interesting snapshot of my mind at the time.

Goals and focus are pivotal. A few years after I graduated from law school, I could not imagine what had ever possessed me to go in the first place. The entire experience seemed so against everything I hoped and desired. It felt like I had lost my way.

Around this time, my mother bought a new home, and all the kids were summoned home to sift through the belongings we had stored over the years. Among my high school papers I found my PSAT score sheet from the 10th grade. Listed among my prospective college majors was "pre-law". I felt shocked. I had no idea that my intention to go to law school had formed so early.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2005-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

I like the idea that you are drawn to those you love. I loved how the scenes devolved from one segment to the next as the lovers raced to escape being erased. Some truly wonderful moments.

I just responded "to all" on freecycle over a mantle clock. I love mantle clocks, but it may be a 'barring' offense.

Traveling Vistas

2005-01-31T06:04:00.000-08:00

New York. Sunset, the City illumined by a staccato brilliance of light and shadow. The refractive edge of the grid revealed. A beautiful and humbling image.

Seattle has a beauty of its own. The downtown rises from the Sound in a succession of grades, some so steep, I avoid them on slippery days.

Nestled in a black leather chair, a favorite glimpse was from the high tech conference room of one of Seattle's hallowed firms. From this vantage, the view West offered three Seattle 'cultural' venues -- set like ducks in a row: Benroya Hall, designed for acoustical perfection, and featuring performances as far ranging as the late Nina Simone and the Heart sisters; SAM, a museum renowned for returning art stolen by Nazis to its rightful owners; and The Lusty Lady, its triangular marquee edged with pink and emblazoned with puns, jutting playfully at SAM.

Use and re-use

2005-01-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

As I am feeling particularly crabby (a friend recently said *if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy* ; ), I've decided to list a recent success in shifting of resources. In my quest to spend less, and use more wisely, I created:

Shelves for toys
We love books, have many shelves, but bookshelves tend to be too narrow for most toys. Toys need depth. I had been pricing shelves, and eyeing Ikea (the bastion of supposedly "cheap" fixes), when I chanted the mantra, "everything we need is already here". In the basement were plastic crates from our Graduate Student Modern decorating days.

To make shelves, I stacked six crates three-high, side-by-side, and secured them together with 7" SafeTy ties. The crates are now a solid unit, but I am pondering whether the crates should also be secured to a stud in the wall? Upside: less likely to be pulled onto toddler. Downside: toddler might decide this is a really cool climbing toy.

Jennifer and Sabina

2005-01-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

Birthday Girl

2005-01-29T11:10:00.000-08:00

Today is Sabina's birthday and the 2nd anniversary of Jennifer's birthing day. Love to Sabina and Jennifer!

NVC

2005-01-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

I went to NVC ever so briefly. It was my cabin fever inspired treat. Just a quick foray to give the leader the bi-monthly meeting donation, and get 'out' of the house. It wasn't the best or nicest thing I've done all month. Alexa seems better, but I'm so out of it, my current state could be anything.

After, I went to the library. I consoled myself that the other child in the kid's section had a "cough", the same cough I've only heard occasionally this week from Alexa.

I view the kid's section of the library as "glove's off". This section has toys. A dollhouse, a push train, stuffed animals. It is obviously an area meant for quiet interaction. For my 22 month old, that was running after the other small child around the tables, next to the dollhouse. They were quiet, just not silent.

The Binge

2005-01-28T10:58:00.000-08:00

Last night I ran to the store for diapers. The disposable habit is one I've been trying to wean myself from, but all the diapers were in the wash. I probably could have finagled a solution for the night, but I plead cabin fever with a touch of exhaustion. I had been in the house with a sick baby for three days, and the complexities of work arounds was more than my brain could handle. We use 7th generation diapers with Alexa. If I buy them at the local co-op, they are actually on par with Huggies or Pampers on sale. The co-op is a bit of a drive, though. 15 minutes vs. five to the local grocery. Alexa reacts to the gels in the more commercial brands, so the extra journey is worth the effort. Unfortunately, once there the exhaustion set in. I had a "small" basket of food (far more than the small package of ground beef and diapers I intended). The register rang a tally of $52. Sigh.

So, do I simply maintain my stance: $50 per week, or do I consider what's on sale, and hedge a few purchases for next week? I might need to because we are almost out of TP, and I don't think we're ready to switch to cloth ; ).

I feel frustrated that in my weakened state I shot my weekly wad in one fell glittery swoop. It's the opposite of the amazing exit with bags of food: everything we need within budget. Like blowing my school clothes budget on a pair of skyblue cords and strappy sandals. No rhyme or reason, just -- they're pretty and I want.

In reality, if we really ONLY had $50 a week, and that was it, I would make do when it was gone, and we'd figure out a way to the next paycheck. I am very creative when faced with a finite pantry.

I am worried about spend to zero mentality creeping in a gain. If I hold on to each penny, and maximize its effectiveness to procure what we need, we would acquire wealth. We would have everything we need, live well, and meet other goals. In retirement, or emergencies, we'd meet our obligations and avoid a Friskies based diet. I'd like to truly embrace living simply; to truly alter my relationship with money and resources.

Toe Fall

2005-01-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

When the avocado pit rolls off the counter and bounces off your toe onto the floor.

Mantra Magic

2005-01-27T16:24:00.000-08:00

We've added several new mantras to our household lexicon, and actually emblazoned one on cardstock and hung it in the kitchen.

"Everything We Need Is Already Here."

I've found this mantra powerful. Each day I feel a desirous pull, and each day I overcome the urge to spend, and find an alternate solution to meet our needs.

It's been difficult in some ways. I am spending a lot less on groceries, but I've cut perceived quality in some ways. My goal is to feed a family of three on $50.00 a week. Somehow the organic products and specialty items are not fitting as well in this plan. I'm leaning towards higher quality meats, and less emphasis on organic produce and fruits. Organic milk and eggs are a necessity as well. So far, I'm shopping the ads, and planning meals (somewhat). I'm also shedding alot of excess clutter, because suddenly resources are being shifted to cover gaps. It's a wonderful movement of use and energy.

2005-01-27T16:18:00.000-08:00

Double Espresso Baby

I saw a ghost downstairs

2005-01-27T15:58:00.000-08:00

Well, not really. But I felt one, and it was not a happy feeling. The downstairs needs help, and it feels a long way from finished. A project, and my enthusiasm is not quite as up for the challenge.

Adventures in Signing

2005-01-16T01:24:00.000-08:00

I've always loved the idea of sign language. The ability to sketch a concept in air, like a wave, and have someone respond. We use a lot of sign language with Alexa, and recently she held up Miss Piggy and gave me the sign for woman. I gave her the sign for pig and woman. Again, the long quizzical look. It must be odd to fathom why this particular pig has long blonde hair, elbow length gloves, and pearls.

Sabina and Alexa have been playing again recently, after a hiatus of sorts. It's wonderful to watch them together. A throwback to their Laurel and Hardy days, except each now has more hair.

The barn

2005-01-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight, after an intensive basement search, I located one of my prize possessions: the Fisher Price barn with "real" little people, fences, livestock, a rooster, and a door that says 'moo' when opened. I immediately brought it upstairs and played with my daughter. It's only the fourth farmland toy she's received in the past six months. She also has an oversized cloth book that folds open to reveal a pastoral scene: farmer on tractor, kitten, puppy, pig, lamb, calf, etc. Each (including the tractor) has a little button which produces a sound, and one that actually sings (a questionably loud electronic version of) Old MacDonald had a Farm.

Because of the electronic song, Alexa now refers to all pastoral barn scenes, even those rendered in oil and hung on the wall, as "e-i-e-i-o". What struck me as sad, was I live in the suburbs. From the number of farms in our home, one would think this was an everyday part of our life. My daughter holds up the tractor, and I say "tractor", slowly and clearly. She looks at me quizzically, as if to wonder, yes, but WHAT is it?

It must be so odd to be a toddler; learning of the world through conceptualized and reductionistic images. How would she know a tractor, if she never sees one plowing a field?

Straight from the Cat

2005-01-11T14:48:00.000-08:00

I saw lemony snickett, which was a very Dark movie, but was perfect in that it was beautiful filmed, and very well done. I laughed at the dark humor (as always, one of the only ones in the theater to do so ;)

MIL was amazing. She watched Alexa, and spent the night. Yea! Alexa supposedly cried for an hour (and MIL did not call, bc I would have come right home). But Alexa did not cry alone, MIL lay beside her, and comforted her. So, I think this is not "crying it out". It was so nice to be "all grown up again", able to eat without a toddler grabbing or crying. Able to watch a movie without stopping or leaving the room. *Sigh. I missed her, but it was nice : )

The Daily Kos

2005-01-01T22:53:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out to see a movie for the first time in two years. It was heavenly to be in a theatre, able to focus.

Weaning

2004-12-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

I've been contemplating the weaning process. It's a difficult thought for me. The intimacy of the nursing relationship is beautiful, and the difficulties of nursing a toddler many. I am not ready to release this connection; yet, it is painful. I've had a milk blister off and on for several weeks. I finally was able to trace some possible solutions. Latch was mentioned in the article linked, and made much sense. The links at the end of the article are very helpful.

Weaning itself, the idea, the reality, the choice, seems more present when in pain. It also difficult, because Andy feels overwhelmed by his inability to impact the current situation. His reaction to my pain at the latch is to insist on weaning "now". I've been ignoring him, but it highlights how lonely and in need of group support I am as a nursing mother of a toddler.

The pain is in my left breast. There is a part of me, seeking healing of mind - body - soul, that also wonders at the connection of my "left breast" to my current issue.I've no solution, just thoughts.

toddler blues

2004-11-28T10:06:00.000-08:00

Bathtime, and little one doesn't want a bath. Maybe I need a bath...

My little treasure drawer was accessed today. The little tikes lego table pushed next to it, drawer opened, and all the little items I thought safe, exposed.

I think I'm singing the toddler blues . . .

Daisy

2004-11-20T08:00:00.000-08:00

Daisy has lived with me since she was six weeks old. We traveled together across the country, camped in Oregon, Montana, South Dakota, and Minnesota. My first child.

My second child adores her. "Daisy" was her first word, and all cats are "Daisy". Anything she finds particularly pleasing or happiness inspiring, is also a "daisy".

I'd like to see the bugeoning lava dome. Nearby lives a friend of Andy's whose wife raises cats. I have a vision of the visit: Alexa running gleefully from cat to cat shouting "Daisy . . . Daisy".

Arrive Alive

2004-11-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day I felt normal. Visiting New York was fun, but all I did was sleep and still came home exhausted.

Andy and Alexa are downstairs doing laundry. I am excited at reclaiming our downstairs. It's been lost space.

The ultimate vanity, a blog that I host on a space with my name. That would be fun. Perhaps that should be my next adventure. I visited a blog today "Wonkette", and I thought, "she's so referenced, yet why? I could write and collate facts as well as she can".